What a strange title for my blog post, but you are numerous to ask me regularly how everything is going and how I am adapting. Be assured, all is well. That does not mean that everything is perfect every day. A relocation is a big step in life and the emotions during this experience are more like a roller coaster than a quiet river.
To prepare our new life in California, we had to go through lots of paperwork and organisation. Those who had followed us during this period know my love for detail and efficient work, mingled with my control freak self. But, the psychological aspects of relocation are far less simple to prepare and need that I "let go" much more than I am used to. I had read an excellent article of Dr Agnes Justen-Horsten, a German psychologist, and wish to share it with you and adapt it to our case.
During the preparation phase, it is important to ask yourself why you want to relocate. Some people leave their country for political, religious or economic reasons, but this is rarely the case for European expats. We left to live a new chapter in our life, to give better opportunities to our children and also because we were fed up with a lot of things in France (see my blog post of March 23rd, 2014).
Today's world is smaller, we all are used to travel, to study in different countries, to speak multiple languages. Financially it is possible to imagine ourselves anywhere in the world, a "personal relocation" seems easy. The internet allows us to prepare a lot of things at distance (Google Maps, craigslist, ...), to stay in close contact with our loved ones (Skype, Facebook, Instagram, Snapshot, blogs, ...), the Visa, insurances and credit cards give us the impression to be in an organised and secured life.
All this to say that we most probably all chose to leave and that none of us "had to" change of country. Nevertheless, we are obliged to leave our comfort zone. Depending on the duration of our relocation, we react differently. A temporary status can seem like long vacation and often the blog of these expats is like a wonderful travel guide which makes us dream. If the relocation is for a longer period of time or forever, the blog will take another direction, which is currently happening with mine. We are not on vacation here. Our current visa is for five years, but we already have the goal to extend it or to change it as soon as possible to a green card.
The change of country of residence brings necessarily the changes of smaller and bigger habits with it. One thing that I am curiously missing, is the read of my paper newspaper Nice Matin at the breakfast table. Of course it is not a big issue, but a very good example of a habit which I did not think I would miss.
We all know America from films and TV, but when one arrives here definitively, the loss of our socio-cultural knowledge is striking. I tell myself to stop comparing, to remember that "different" does not mean "better" or worse", I am nevertheless puzzled. Like a small child, I observe, touch, listen, am amazed or surprised, love or hate, but with such an intensity ... that even I am speechless. We adapt, question, feel useless when seeing all these differences, shaken in our firmest believes... which is most puzzling for an adult and a mother, who wants to be the "rock" for her family.
But this also allows us to enlarger (our spirit, not the belly !), to learn, to integrate, to make experiences which make us grow. This intellectual and emotional performance is the basis for our well being and psychological happiness, which will allow in time our new autonomy, identity and free decision making. These are the moments in life which make us to be the ones we want to become. This intensity is rare, but also beneficial. But, let's face it, it's also full of insecurity and moments where we loose all control.
To leave one's home country is beneficial but also a psychological risk. One can be disappointed, isolated, be depressed and become physically ill. And one can grow, make new experiences, increase ones emotional sensibility and the capacity to manage human contacts and conflicts. In any case, the relocation is an extreme situation, which needs to be managed.
For those who plan to leave, don't forget to :
- understand the reasons why you want to leave. If your reasons are well anchored, you will adapt easier to your new country. Often one person in the family is more motivated than another one and you have to take this into account and allow each of you to express him- or herself. Also ask yourself which are your weaknesses, as you will not change, just because you change of location. A part of your disappointment with your home country may be based on your own character and this part will be "in the plane" with you, when you are leaving.
- list the things that you would like to take with you. In my example above, it might have been a good idea to take a subscription of my daily French newspaper to be sent to Santa Barbara (with a lot of delay, granted). Don't forget, we use our wings to fly to new horizons, but we also have our roots and should not cut them right under our shoes.
- organize your departure and say "good bye" or "adieu" in a very aware manner. I have to admit that I avoided a lot of these moments, as I am emotionally incapable of managing them (already now I am having tears in my eyes). But it would have been better to live them than having regrets today. A good departure makes the arrival much easier.
- be aware that your new life will not seem coherent from the start. You will not understand everything, some things may seem upside down, you will not be in control. Our believes and fundamentals are being questioned. You will doubt of your knowledge, your autonomy, your status, your role in society. Even if you speak the language well, you will not understand everything and not be at ease in all situations. This can hurt and lower your self esteem, at a moment when you desperately need it.
- stay flexible on what you expect from your family. When you are going to suffer from the stress of adapting, you will turn yourself to your partner and family for help. To support this dependence and this need may be unknown and difficult to do to all of you, and often the younger member of your family adapt more quickly than the older ones (this is exactly what is happening with our children who love their new school and have made friends rapidly). The normal functioning of your family may be upside down. If one adapts quickly, other may feel "left out". The fear of losing out or of splitting up adds to the nostalgic feelings of our home country and blocks new experiences. You will have to accept the different forms and speeds of how each family member adapts, even if and because you are the actor of your own experience.
- make a clear difference between your new every day life and the responsibility of each partner of your family. In a moment of despair I am able to make BHE responsible for the horrible wind outside (yesterday evening it was really awful), but I have to admit that he obviously has nothing to do with it. As I feel uncomfortable and he is the only one around to blame, well, he is the one. Of course it's ridiculous and I have to adjust my behaviour ;-)
- meet locals, at work, meet-ups, shops, at school, ... Not all will be your BFF, but you will make progress and adapt with every experience a bit more. So go out, go out, go out !
- make a planning for your personal dreams. Last week, I subscribe to American magazines (and I love them). In a month, I will go all by myself to a conference in San Francisco. In two months I want to decorate the house in an all American fashion for Christmas, in three months I want to be able to run 5 kilometers, ...
- reduce some of your habits of your old life. Reading Le Figaro online every day will not help you to integrate, even if you have done it forever. Better look for some local news magazine which corresponds to your taste. Subscribe online and paper, because it's nice to find something in the mailbox and will make you feel "at home". Read, comment, first in your corner, then online, share ... all small steps in the right direction.
- try new experiences and pride yourself to have tried, and of course even more so, if you enjoyed them. We all have our fears the first time we do things, it's normal and finally, once we have done it, we often realize that it was not that complicated. And even if it wasn't for you, it's great that you tried it.
- remember that it is normal to go through different steps. Psychologists call this "adjusting to cultural choc", which comes in phases (and actually will happen again, should you ever go back home, so better get used to it now ;-)) and has different time laps depending on each person :
If the psychological challenges of a relocation are managed, the human benefits for each of us are enormous and are worth all this "roller coaster" experience. Don't forget, give yourself time. If you read this article at a moment when you are down, do know that this will pass and that we all go through these moments. And if I can be of any help, write me a small email, sharing your emotions is the first step to get better (and makes me feel good and useful at the same time ;-)).
So, yes, I am fine, every day again. And you too, I hope! A big kiss and enjoy your Sunday,
Alexandra
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